New Pilot Show Based On "The F Word".

Yeah, Hi,

So last night I watched Gordon Ramsay's "The F Word" (on the UK's Channel 4) which, if you didn't know or have never seen it before involves opposing groups of people or celebrities who are trained to cook a meal for a group of selected diners who are invited to eat the food and then vote on which group did the best job. Not really my sort of program, but I can see why that would be a popular format.

Last night's episode was very interesting to me as the selected group of diners were all "vegetarians" (notice the quotes). The idea was not to do a vegetarian or even a vegan menu but it had the purpose of feeding animal flesh to these so-called veggies to show them what they have been missing all this time. As I predicted at the start, the result was a resounding success for the lumpy-faced bell end and his gittish celebrity arse clowns. And oh how those vegetarian folk saw the error of their ways and voted resoundingly for the wonderful dishes so lovingly prepared for them. It was a win, win,win, win for everyone concerned! Hoorah!

One "Vegetarian" upon eating veal and being asked if he enjoyed it replied "Would it be wrong of me to say it was lovely?" Ho ho. You twat. You complete scab.

Just so you understand my position on this, I got to thinking about shooting a pilot show of my own based on the same format.

No, hear me out on this....

We start with a really passionate presenter - I'm thinking of someone with real television presence and showmanship, someone like Gary Glitter or maybe Johnathon King - and we get a couple of groups of people, one group say ordinary people (politicians, priests etc.) and the other lot a load of grinning celebrities, but nobody cabable of critical thinking who'd spoil it all. We take them to our purpose built studio done out like a giant extravagant knocking shop and invite them on a very special 'fucking-buffet' to sample the many and varied delights of the flesh.

Here's the Menu:

• Appetizer: Stillborn Baby gently warmed and basted in KY jelly.
• Starter: Thai sex slave - an oral delight!
• Main: Ladyboy Sandwich with sluttish dressing.
• Dessert: Two-Toddler Topless hand relief.

There'd be interviews:

"When was the last time you had a kiddie fiddle, sir?"

"Oh it was years ago, when I was a kiddie, but now I really do see what I've been missing all these years. I'm such a stupid moron to have denied myself all this time. I really blew both barrels when I got that sloppy yawn from that 10 year old. Thank you for making me feel normal and accepted by the masses again ~ Excellent work!".

Everyone would vote in favour of the evening's excellent success and they'd all smile and laugh in front of the camera while some continued to fuck on into the credits to the tune of Sheryl Crow's "If It Makes You Happy".

Hey, whadda ya think eh kids? Are we missing a point here somewhere?

Stu Smith.

P.S. Gordon Ramsay, you're a fucking scatmuncher.

The Filthiest Word Of All

Dearest Reader,

I'll tell you what, I'm sat here late with my music on full, large glass of V&O on my desk to the left, Mrs.Graviton out saving the universe, and I'm feeling quite good about myself for a change. I kind of promised myself that when I was next in a positive frame of mind I was going to tell you about something I feel really passionately about, but if you read previous posts you'll realise that Mrs.Graviton and family don't really like my flowery language when I get passionate about things, so I may have to try really hard to behave myself.

And all this centres around the one of the filthiest words in the human language. It begins with a "V".

No, it's not vagina, vulva, vadge or ..er..vinegar strokes, it even worse than that, I'm justy going to get this part over with right now. Vegetarian. Vegan. I'm a filthy-mouthed jizzflap I know, but now? Surely this is too much? My point is that Mr.Average Joe has already stopped reading now I've said that, and I blame the fucking hippy titwanks that have hijacked the terminology and attached all the baggage that usually goes along with it.

So, I formally disassociate myself with the tree-hugging, the paint-throwing, the vibrations, the animal-rights, the spirituality bollocks, the religiosity, the teary-eyed wimpyness of it all and get to the actual point.

The actual point of being a vegetarian or a vegan should be a moral one. There's certainly all kinds of other arguments as to why you shouldn't eat/torture/abuse animals and to why it's good to eat a non animal based diet, but the real issue is a moral one. See?

Putting it as succinctly as I can, if you are an omnivore, ask yourself this; If you enjoy your animal products and don't think there's a moral problem with violating other sentient creatures to satisfy your desire for them, on what moral grounds have you got to to tell a rapist not to rape, or a burglar not to steal, or a cannibal not to chew your ears off?

I say none, and so in the interests of consistency I try the very best I can not to contribute to the torture and slavery of our animal friends. It's actually speciesism, a word that I never hear and that's wrong in itself!

I suppose if you've read this far then I'll thank you, but the chances are you're already a filthy vegan or vegetarian too and so I've been preaching to the choir. If not then hey, nice one! I hope you're in the gang or are so angry that you'd like to debate me on this? Honestly, I'd love that to happen, go on, respond to me and let's have a mass debate! (pun intended). I do love a debate and can be quite civilised and respectful, but in this case I may have to use the V word!